tension

My lovely mangoes from Cambodia are gone, my numerous insect bites are healing, my tan is fading and my sleep debt has been repaid in excess. but Cambodia is not totally out of my system yet. far from it. it feels like i’ve been measuring everything everywhere ‘everyhow’ with Cambodia, which is strange because logically, Singapore should beat Cambodia handsdown in almost every aspect so what’s the point of comparing?

it’s hard to explain without this coming across as simply words pieced together and emotions conveyed just because i went on a mission trip to a less-developed country with a tragic recent past; this combination alone seems to demand a soul-searching reflection, an epiphany, a sudden divine calling of some sorts.

i don’t think that happened.

i admit, i went on this trip expecting one of the above. i really hoped to come back a better stronger person, closer to God, with a better idea about what i ought to do and where i ought to be in the future.

I came back a year older, but otherwise nothing much has changed. I’m still the same person who went, asking the same questions I don’t think I should be asking, wondering at the silence, perhaps a little more familiar with the bible (due to our nightly BSs which I really enjoyed). Yes I was introduced to another path (other than the big4 slog-my-guts-out path) that I can take, yet i’m not really sure what I would do about it because the big4 slog-my-guts-out path is still quite attractive however ironic that sounds. there’s so much tension between wanting to be and being.

honestly, we joked so much about signing each other on at Kampong Spue, which throughout the trip, was a glaring reminder to me about how much i know is required of me and how much i hold on to back in Singapore. The point is not Kampong Spue with its lack of electricity, nor is it about my individual calling and whether i’m gifted in teaching little kids (which was my excuse, anyway). once again, it’s about faith & deeds, walking the talk, taking up my cross, which has been talked about so many times i fear i’ve assumed that I have it right. Cambodia showed me that I did not have it right, but one week back in Singapore, I feel that I’m losing this awareness all over again.

I think of Cambodia quite often. Knowing the routine of Sonn, Kia and the kids at the kindergarten makes thinking about them alot easier. At 9am (while i’m eating my doxy!), i wonder what food the kids were eating today. At 1pm, I miss the good food Sonn always prepares. At 8pm, I wonder if Kia had finished dinner and if he’s cycling home in the dark.  Always, I marvel at the thought that less than a month ago, I had no idea how these people lived or looked like and they didn’t know me. Now I know! I lived with them! (well sort of) I feel my earth widening a little more, and I praise You for knowing the world and knowing Esther Lim from the puny island, loving the world and loving me.

there is so much more to be said. I’ve spent the entire week sleeping, doing housework and mugging for the final theory test that I have not sat down to make sense of the 10 happy days I spent there. I will, very soon. but for now let me say – I really enjoyed my trip, more than I enjoy mangoes which says a lot really. (: