good?

Today, M and I went back to PL to watch the musical. 4 years has passed since the last musical, how time flies. Before the musical, a familiar teacher led in 2 old songs which I haven’t sung in ages. Then, the principal begun her welcome speech with the classic, ‘Guest of honour, distinguished guests, colleagues, parents and PL-lites’. I felt so displaced at the moment. After years of being a Victorian, do I still have room in my brain/heart to be a PL-lite. Do dual citizenships ever work?

Before I could even stop myself from asking such stupid questions which I can never resolve anyway, the music started, beginning a night of (i’m stumped for a moment) great stuff. As usual. the music, the voices, the script, the talent and the sheer hard work. I couldn’t have expected anything more or less. $15 turned out to be pretty worth it after all.

But the thing that really ’shook’ me was the fact that the theme for this musical, and the last, and the one before the last has never changed. Once again, it’s revolving around our identity in God, our constant struggle between the world and the Word. 8 years ago, 4 years ago, today – it’s exactly the same theme. God is there, even when we don’t see him. God loves us, even when we don’t love him. Year after year, the musical is always a much-needed reminder for me. Why hasn’t this theme gone obsolete for me? why don’t I ever progress?! I can memorise mathematical equations, learn a few hundred 造句s by heart, read all my physical and human geography readings. Yet it is impossible for me to live a full 24 hours in surrender to Him, when given my nature and His nature, that should be the most logical/obvious thing to do. it is so discouraging to find that after 8 years, nothing has changed.

That brought to mind a passage from C S Lewis’ Mere Christianity, which reads

‘The ordinary idea which we all have before we become Christians is this. We take as starting point our ordinary self with its various desires and interests. We then admit that something else-call that ‘morality’ or ‘decent behaviour’, or ‘the good of society’-has claims on this self: claims which interfere with its own desires. What we mean by ‘being good’ is giving in to those claims. Some of the things the ordinary self wanted to do turn out to be what we call ‘wrong’: well, we must give them up. Other things, which the self did not want to do, turn out to be what we call ‘right’: well, we shall have to do them. But we are hoping all the time that when all the demands have been met, the poor natural self will still have some chance, and some time, to get on with its own life and do what it likes. In fact, we are very like an honest man paying his taxes. He pays them all right, but he does hope that there will be enough left over for him to live on. Because we are still taking our natural self as the starting point.

As long as we are thinking that way, one or other of two results is likely to follow. Either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy indeed.’

he’s right. I’m so unhappy, I feel like giving up trying to be good (if I were even remotely ‘good’ in the first place). Every month, we say the exact same confession during Holy Communion. Every few days, I ask Him for forgiveness for the exact same wrongs I’ve been wanting to change since I knew I was wrong. It just doesn’t make sense sometimes. A boss who has an employee who constantly makes the same mistakes will one day fire the guy, no matter how kind or gracious or forgiving he is. Surely Your patience must run out a couple of years ago, no? My efforts go no where. And I guess that’s the point. My efforts go nowhere. I cannot do anything to save myself. It’s gotta be You.

Even as I was feeling so discouraged about the seemingly lack of progress from 8 years ago and today, yet looking at the 8 year span – the inbetween, O Lord You have been gracious. Crisis after crisis, happy times, disappointment, grief, acceptance, rejection, painful events that most people don’t have an inkling about because it is still too raw to talk about, You know it all. Sometimes, it feel like these memories, these past ’salvations’ are the only reason why I’m still desperately trying to hang on.

I guess I’ve never been more aware about how truly empty life has been, till I spent an entire holiday with nothing much to do (which felt so horrible I kept trying to fill it up). It’s the process of ‘filling it up’ that made me realise how unsatisfying everything is. it’s time to stop looking for wrong solutions.

All that I’m searching for
All that I’m looking for
All that I need is in
The Great I Am
(The Great I Am, 2000)

 perhaps, dual citizenship is possible on earth, between two schools, between two countries. but when it comes to The Great I Am, help me to give up all that I hold dear.