sigh.

it’s appalling how many times it crosses our mind that we deserve better. we deserve better. we deserve better.

for that horrifying self-importance, i think we deserve worse. i deserve worse.

busiest week this semester, has come and gone! so i celebrated with a trip to the library, checked out an Agatha Christie book, and read. one night and two train rides later, i’m down to the last 1/6 of the book, which is undeniably THE BEST PART.

books are free vacations to see the world. and i selfishly wish that Agatha Christie were still alive, just so reading one more book does not equate to one less book left to read.

haunting

“What is, is actual – what might be simply is not, and I must not therefore query God as though He robbed me – of things that are not. Further, the things that are belong to us, and they are good, God given and enriched. Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.”

(Jim Elliot)

…

i’ve got much to learn.

 

i’m into the busiest week this semester. and i’m into a good book. can anything be that horribly perfect / perfectly horrible? :D

talking to BS online, gave me a glimpse of my self in the past.

back then, there were two things in life, some belong to You and the others belong to me. church belongs to You, school belongs to me. my ‘christian service’ belongs to You, my life, plans and future all belong to me. if i’m worried about something, well that belongs to You. for the things where i’m confident that i’ve done enough, that belongs to me. if i serve You whole-heartedly in the things You that belong to You, then You have to take care of the things that belong to me.

it wasn’t explicit (of course not, i’ve been in church long enough to kinda know what can be said, and what can’t). neither was it truth. but it was real.

and the sad story goes. things crash, we fail utterly, and we get angry and disappointed. outwardly we say we’re disappointed in ourselves. inwardly, perhaps we blamed You. but as always, we don’t like to admit it.

BS: He is God. i don’t have the right to be angry.
E: but we don’t have to be resigned. we don’t have to psycho ourselves into bitter acceptance of everything that comes our way. if God is really our Lord and Master, and we trust that He loves us and wants the best for us. then there is no need to be angry.

easy to say. hard to do.

as i was reading in bed, after the long conversation, i realised that nothing much has changed for me. there are still two things in life – things that belong to God, things that belong to me. the struggle between withholding and giving it up, is still real, painful and an everyday affair. oh how many things i’ve refrained from praying about in the past 3 years, because i felt that they belonged to me, and anyway You wouldn’t be happy to hear about it.

so i’m not so different from you BS. i’m as foolish, as i think you are :P but God is good. while we mourn our ‘little deaths’ – letting go of the little things we hold so dear, His grace is sufficient for us. i hope that someday, we’ll realise that some things are better off, in His hands than ours. but till that day comes, let’s trust and obey.